Friday, March 6, 2015

The Best Place You Can Go to Escape a Manhunt

Hello, girls and boys,

Returning from the Salton Sea, we took a detour to the Carrizo Plain National Monument, another amazing part of California that’s unknown to most people.

The plain is a valley at 2000’, surrounded by mountains 3000’ tall or higher, sort of between Bakersfield and San Luis Obispo. Directions from Napa:
  1. Find your way to Stockton, where they fight over spinach and as of 2012, was the largest city in the US to file for bankruptcy. Yay, Stockton!
  2. Head south to Manteca, which is Spanish for "lard" (I'm seriously not kidding).
  3. Keep going through Los Banos, and don't forget to flush.
  4. Don't get lost in the Lost Hills, named thusly although they are clearly labeled on a map.
  5. Head west at the cutely named Buttonwillow, home of the Buttonwillow Raceway, which hosts races and is used by manufacturers and race teams to test cars.
  6. Wind through oil fields. Who needs Saudi Arabia when you've got the Central Valley?
  7. West past McKittrick, climb 3000' on a windy road, then descend 1000', past the new solar farm, which I'm sure won't burn as many birds as other, similar farms.



If you’re planning an upcoming vacation, you might consider the Carrizo Plain. Here are some arguments both Pro and Con. 

Why The Carrizo Plain Should Be Your Next Vacation Destination
  • Wide open views and amazing scenery!

  • Get up close and personal with the San Andreas Fault! In the picture above, the hill on the far right, along the horizon, is the SAF.
  • You can unplug and unwind, because your cell phone doesn’t work!
  • Wildlife! Prancing antelope, bounding bunnies, soaring eagles, maybe a snake or two. Probably not poisonous. Probably.
  • Peace, quiet, and solitude because there isn't a WalMart or gas station or restaurant for miles!
  • Free camping!

Why You Should NOT Vacation at Carrizo
  • Wide open views? Can you say "agoraphobia"?
  • San Andreas Fault? It could go any minute, and you'd be on the part of California that slides into the ocean. Or you'd fall into the center of the Earth. One of the two.
  • Cell phone doesn’t work? Human can not live without instant sports scores or cute kitties at their fingertips. 
  • Wildlife? There are probably snakes AND spiders. And they're probably poisonous. Probably.
  • No services for miles? How do I get my Diet Coke fix?
  • Oh, and did I mention that roads are impassable when wet (we had 0.25" of rain one night and our 4-wheel drive slid around the next morning just like Bambi on ice). So, you don’t want to go in the winter or spring. And it gets super hot, so you don’t want to go in the summer or fall. 

I hope this helps you plan your next outing.

Peace out,
Me

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